there are times I lose my worried mind

I love my fiance so much. Lately things have been a little crazy, a little hectic, a little overwhelming and there's only one person in the entire world that I'm willing to wait for like this. Between working and babysitting and my wisdom teeth and church and trying to fit in time to play my guitar and get that piano moved so I can start playing more piano and make time to talk to Kyle I feel like there's only 1/4 of the amount of time in a day I need. I've noticed within the last week or so a separation between me and Kyle, like a block a wall a something. This distance is wearing on both of us and it's exhausting. All I want to do at the end of the day is come home and go to sleep to him, and I can't. When I experience something that makes me happy or just experience something beautiful I want him to be there with me to experience it and he can't be. It's a constant reminder that God is God and I have no control over my life, which I don't like. It's hard to admit that I don't like it because I want to be broken by God and taught new things but I want them (as a human.. I think this is normal) to be on my terms and God's like, "nope." So learning to deal with that has been my biggest struggle with being away from Kyle. I have this urge to get out of my house, to do something and so I go out and do something and come home only to find that I'm still longing to do something because everything I experienced in that day was without him and I'm not craving just to get out of the house but to get out of this house and off the phone and somewhere, anywhere, with Kyle. I know that it's only a couple more months until he's here and I'm there and everything is more like I want it to be but it's hard to tell myself that when I'm going to sleep alone and away from him.

You'll have to excuse my pity party, but I think my audience is sympathetic.

Other than that aspect of life, everything's been going good. Work's okay.. I hate Lazer Graphics at this point, but in a week or two I should be loving it again. Babysitting is going really good. I've been trying to find activities that allow the girls to do something other than sit in front of the TV because even though it makes my job easier they should be doing something else. Nearpost has kinda come to a halt just because it seems like I can't ever make time to do anything with it, but soon I will sit down and bust out some videos and get it outta the way. My passport came in and Kyle bought our tickets so a lot of the paperwork stuff is out of the way, now I just have to do the military paperwork stuff and I think we're done. I'm going to start doing pilates as soon as my DVD that I ordered gets in. I'm excited about that, it's just hard to do without an instructor and I need something to do I feel like crap all the time physically.

Now it's time to eat some cereal and listen to my tapes from work.