a young girl's dreams no longer hollow

I'm over at Sydney's waiting on her to get home, and I'm not sure when she'll be getting home so how long this is all depends on her punctuality. So less than a month until my love is here, and less than two months until I am there. I keep trying to imagine what it's going to be like over there, and then I try to imagine what it's going to be like leaving here. I can't imagine either.

Oh man, what a song for this entry, haha. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders... this was on one of the first episodes of Dawson's Creek, Joey is leaving Dawson's house after an emotional argument about whether or not they can continue to be best friends with the recent hormones raging, and she asks him how often he, "walks his dog, how often, to who" and he won't tell her so apparently that means that they obviously can't be friends and as she's running dramatically away from his house this song is playing and he leans out his window and says, "usually in the morning, Katie Kurrick" hahahahaha. MAN I LOVED THAT SHOW. Anyway, right when he says that this huge smile comes across her face right in the climax of the song where the music is so powerful and the singer busts out with "I'LL STAND BY YOU!" haha. So awesome. Now that I've made all of you stop reading... back to Amanda.

Last week I had a sort of a revelation about myself while I was on the phone with Kyle and it was kinda hard for me to handle at first because I'd never looked at myself from that perspective. I'll enlighten you now that I've probably confused you. We were talking about how hard it was for me to get comfortable praying with him, and being intimate in a spiritual way and so I started wondering WHY it was that I've always dated guys that don't believe in God therefore have no interest in praying with me or even to hear about how church went. The theory I came up with is that because of a lot of things I experienced in my childhood I put up walls emotionally- like most of us, haha. The thing is, there are a lot of angles to my childhood and I thought I'd covered all of them, I don't really have any other issues except that letting people get close to me scares me, especially on a level that God is on- you know, the most intimate you can get with someone without actually touching them. It's like, I shared this connection with God that was so sacred that if I were to let someone in and they messed it up in any way that it would just devastate me. The fear of this scared me into just not even trying.. which I guess really turned out for the best as far as my choices of dating partners, I'm sure at one point or another with the exception of Luis they all would've crushed me spiritually and I would've had even bigger walls built up and that would've made mine and Kyle's relationship really really hard. So anyway, I've realized that I've surrounded myself with "safe" people. People who I know won't push to go deeper in our friendships or relationships, who will settle for the surface relationship of hey how you doin? Now, there are exceptions obviously. Natalie and I are so close, and Maryn and I are closer than I have ever been with any other female in my life, and Sydney and I shared a lot spiritually that I hadn't ever shared with anyone. I think Sydney really opened me up to be more open spiritually. As hard as it is to believe now, she really taught me what it is to yearn for God, and to seek Him with more than just reading your bible or saying a prayer over some food. She showed me, not just told me, how God can affect your life in a very very good way, and how when you completely surrender to His will how amazing life can get- how reassured you feel about the decisions you make knowing that it's what God wants you to do, not just what you want for your life.

I wish I could explain how much I want to open up to Kyle and be closer to him in every way, but especially spiritually. I guess I just need to trust myself more.
Sydney just got home, I'll write a little more later.

the nearness of you

It's been a while since I last wrote, I guess I just haven't made time to sit down and do it. I got a piano on Wednesday, and I am loving it. That's pretty much all I do when I'm home and I'm not on the phone with Kyle. I wish it was tuned already but I'm going to make some calls to see how much that will cost the next time I get a couple minutes.
I haven't been reading my bible lately, and talking to God has become something I do when I remember before I go to bed. Being busy is not an excuse for this, and so I need some prayer in this area- God should be first on my list. I just really feel like I'm going through the motions of life right now and I don't want to do that. It feels like nothing's really happening, that I'm just waiting on Kyle to get here which is partly true, but I don't want it to be. I want to enjoy every second of it so I'm going to make the decision to enjoy it.
I'm kinda sleepy right now which doesn't make much sense, I think I just slept too long today. I called into work, for lack of a better excuse I just didn't want to go. My manager is gone this week and a lady named Carol took his place for the week and being around her is like someone letting the positive energy just flow out of me. She's completely negative about every aspect of life and it's hard to be around her. I should have just gone and dealt with it and been an adult, but sleeping in sounded so much better.
I just got up to get something to drink. There's a box on my counter right now with some random stuff in it, I guess my mom was sorting through stuff cleaning, but there is a book called, "The Learning Tree" by Patrick Miles Overton. It's a book of poems. I picked it up and flipped straight to a poem called "Love." This is it.
You don't thank love.
You hold on to it and never
let it go because it is the
dearest thing to your heart,
and there is nothing that will
move deeper to the inner part of you.

You don't thank love.
You cherish it as much
as the first breath of green
that verifies that life was
only hidden from us for a while.

You don't thank love.
You climb to the nearest mountain peak
and shout with all your strength,
I have found God and I am born again!

Love needs no thanks.
Love knows.

Here's another one by him, real short and to the point called, "Somewhere."
Somewhere in between
something someone said
I think I heard the thing
they really meant to say.

I like that a lot, I think I'll read some more of this book. The love one I like a whole lot. What a beautiful statement- Love Knows. It's so true.

Hope everyone is doing well.
love,
a

we've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

I'm so tired right now. This weekend has not helped me catch up on my lost sleep from last week. Anywho, I just got home from church and I don't have anyone to go eat at Ton's with me and so I'm probably going to end up eating some ramen and laying down on the couch after taking a pain pill and watching some America's Next Top Model until I fall asleep. Not much has been on my mind lately. It seems like I should have a lot to write about, that I should be spewing out all sorts of awesome ideas. But I just don't. I feel like I don't think much anymore, which is weird. It's almost like I'm on autopilot. Go to work talk to kyle sleep repeat. I wrote a new song and I'm working on editing it and getting it posted as soon as I get done with it. Looking back over it, it needs a lot of work. I just can't wait to have happy experiences to write about. It's going to be the best. I've never had someone make me so happy that I could write about it. It seems like that excitement is beginning to wear into impatience again. I'm just ready to be done working for Lazer Graphics and watching Sydney's kids. I'm ready to be sitting on the couch with my husband watching a movie and knowing that I don't have to go home afterwards. I'm trying not to pull away from my friends and family but it's getting harder to remind myself in 3 months I won't be living with my mom and I won't be able to call Windy to do lunch. When I really think about it I realize it's a step in life I would take at some point no matter what, but the reality that it's about to happen is setting in. On a happier note, I've started talking to a couple girls that are in Misawa AND both of them are married.. so I think that will be good for me. I know that once I get there and get settled in I'll be good but the idea of it all is overwhelming at times. Not only leaving everyone but being in an entirely different culture. Just the whole thing. Being with Kyle is going to make it A MILLION TIMES easier than if I was doing this on my own and there's no one else in the world I would rather do this with than him (haha, obviously). It's like there are two Amandas. One of them is SO freakin excited about the entire package. Getting married, making new friends, experiencing the Japanese culture, learning a new language, finding a job and getting to know new people to work with, living with someone other than my mom, having someone to cook and clean for hahaha. Then there's the me that's still attached to my mom and "home" and is terrified that people won't like me, that Kyle will get sick of me, that I won't be a good enough wife, that I won't keep in touch with friends, that the Japanese culture will be horrible. I know these are normal fears and if I didn't think about them I'd wonder what was wrong with me. Okay I'm tired tired tired and oh so hungry but Kyle I love you, and if you're reading this you mean a lot to me and I trust you. So thank you.

there are times I lose my worried mind

I love my fiance so much. Lately things have been a little crazy, a little hectic, a little overwhelming and there's only one person in the entire world that I'm willing to wait for like this. Between working and babysitting and my wisdom teeth and church and trying to fit in time to play my guitar and get that piano moved so I can start playing more piano and make time to talk to Kyle I feel like there's only 1/4 of the amount of time in a day I need. I've noticed within the last week or so a separation between me and Kyle, like a block a wall a something. This distance is wearing on both of us and it's exhausting. All I want to do at the end of the day is come home and go to sleep to him, and I can't. When I experience something that makes me happy or just experience something beautiful I want him to be there with me to experience it and he can't be. It's a constant reminder that God is God and I have no control over my life, which I don't like. It's hard to admit that I don't like it because I want to be broken by God and taught new things but I want them (as a human.. I think this is normal) to be on my terms and God's like, "nope." So learning to deal with that has been my biggest struggle with being away from Kyle. I have this urge to get out of my house, to do something and so I go out and do something and come home only to find that I'm still longing to do something because everything I experienced in that day was without him and I'm not craving just to get out of the house but to get out of this house and off the phone and somewhere, anywhere, with Kyle. I know that it's only a couple more months until he's here and I'm there and everything is more like I want it to be but it's hard to tell myself that when I'm going to sleep alone and away from him.

You'll have to excuse my pity party, but I think my audience is sympathetic.

Other than that aspect of life, everything's been going good. Work's okay.. I hate Lazer Graphics at this point, but in a week or two I should be loving it again. Babysitting is going really good. I've been trying to find activities that allow the girls to do something other than sit in front of the TV because even though it makes my job easier they should be doing something else. Nearpost has kinda come to a halt just because it seems like I can't ever make time to do anything with it, but soon I will sit down and bust out some videos and get it outta the way. My passport came in and Kyle bought our tickets so a lot of the paperwork stuff is out of the way, now I just have to do the military paperwork stuff and I think we're done. I'm going to start doing pilates as soon as my DVD that I ordered gets in. I'm excited about that, it's just hard to do without an instructor and I need something to do I feel like crap all the time physically.

Now it's time to eat some cereal and listen to my tapes from work.

tears in heaven

What if I told you that you could know me inside out, every last bit of me: my memories, my every thought, my inklings of thoughts, my habits, my things I do only when I'm in a room by myself, but you wouldn't be able to pick and chose which parts you wanted to remember and you couldn't throw any of it in my face later when you're feeling vulnerable and need to get your attention on me instead of you.
This is my biggest fear in any kind of relationship which is probably why I put up such a guard to people. I've met too many people that take everything I tell them and use it against me at some point later. I know that I've done it to other people but I try my best not to do so now. I want so much to have those kind of friendships where no matter what I say I know they'll be there to support the person I am: not the person they want me to be. It seems lately that if I don't do what my "friends" expect of me that somehow makes me less of a friend to them. I'm so grateful that I can tell Kyle how I'm feeling at any given moment and know that he's not going to look at me any differently because of it. This doesn't mean that I tell him every moment how I feel because it may make him go insane but that's why I look forward to being in the same room as him because then everything doesn't have to be spoken.
Okay, I'm going to go watch a movie but this was on my mind for some reason. I sat down trying to write last night (music) and I just sat there and a few lines came out and a few emotions came out but nothing solid and this idea was the main thought that kept coming to mind. I mean, what if instead of hearing about my bad day you experience it? Would you still invest time into your friendships if you had to live through their hard times with them? If we could feel the pain and joy we cause each other would we treat each other differently? Shouldn't we always treat people like we could actually feel the effects of our behavior/decisions? Isn't this what Jesus meant when he said (paraphrased) treat others as you want to be treated?

lots to think about :)

when the stars go blue

After reading Steve's post earlier I started thinking about one particular part that turned a light bulb on for me. He said something good about himself and then said that it wasn't of him, it was of God. This got me thinking about my issue with pride, and thinking I'm "better" than other people. I shouldn't think that way, I should be grateful that God has shown things to me that other people haven't seen yet or that maybe they're not ready for. And that doesn't make me any better- I'm the exact same person as anyone else, I just am blessed enough to have God in me. If there's anything in me that I think is better than the next person, maybe it is but it's NOT me, it's God. This really helps me because when I think about growing in the Lord and that He wants us to become better people and I've always thought, "man, if God wants me to grow closer to Him, and I do it and other people don't doesn't that make me better than them?" I mean, in our human minds that's the truth, but the Truth is not the same as ours. I think the closer I grow to God and the more He reveals to me about how He wants us as humans to live with one another, the more He will humble me at the same time.

So when is it that we realize in our walk that there will always be something for us to improve on, but still want to be doing that on a consistent basis? I can't wait to get to the point where it's exciting, not frustrating, to find something about myself I can improve for God. I don't know where I'm going to be 10 years from other than married and following God and I'm slowly becoming exhilarated about the freedom I have right now in deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm only 21, I don't have to have all the answers now. I'm so happy that I'm so in love with my baby and Jesus. What more do I need, really? I sincerely pray that the Lord helps me with my bad habit of complaining when He's blessed me with so much. I want to be one of those grateful Christians that a person can look up to just so they can know God better. I want people to see God in me through my actions and through the way I react to life and what it throws me.

Okay, bedtime.

My mother's daughter

I was looking at my xanga today and realized I didn't post a lot of stuff just because I was nervous about what some people may think, so I've created this one and it will be my primary online journal from here on out. I figure I'm getting married, I'm starting a totally new chapter in my life with an amazing man and I just want to start something new. That and after looking around this site a little bit I REALLY like the way it's set up. It's like a combination of xanga and livejournal- both of which have features I really like. Anyway, if you're reading this then you should know I trust you. Last night Kyle and I had a really good conversation about God and His grace. We've started doing a devotional almost) every night and the question was if you were "weighed" as a Christian what would you be lacking. I know there are tons of things that could use some straightening out in my life, but the main things that stick out to me are my mouth and my pride. Does there come a point in your walk when you just have to stop and do it instead of realizing what you're doing and trying to work on it and then not getting it done and then a couple months later realizing again what you're doing, etc.? The song Sick Cycle Carousel comes to mind by Lifehouse, over and over. I just have this image of what my life with God in it should be and I'm close, it's like I can see it two feet in front of me but little things just annoy me. I'm not implying I should be perfect, because obviously in talking about God's grace, He's patient, He wants things to happen in His time but I'm tired of there being moments when I'm not even trying to keep up with God's time, when I fall short of what I think He expects of me. (side note: the new Rob Thomas video makes me ashamed of him.) So I guess maybe I should just stop complaining, stop making excuses and just do it. Do what? Well, let's see: stop cussing SO MUCH (haha, say a prayer when you feel like cussing.. for those of you who don't know what that's from, it's from some new country song that's really good.), stop talking about people behind their backs, stop thinking that I'm better than anyone.
That's a start.
So I just watched this new video by Simple Plan and I'm totally not a fan of this band, but it totally drew me in at the beginning so I watched to see what would happen. I think it's called Untitled, anyway it's about a drunk driving accident, and it started out at the end and then showed clips about how it happened and along the way it was showing clips of the girls family (some drunk guy fell asleep and hit this chick head on) and when the crash happened it showed the family members again and all of them flew across the room like they'd been in a wreck (very symbolic to the whole wrecking the whole family thing..) yeah.. so it was pretty good.
So what's been going on with me lately? Work's getting back to normal, I'm forcing myself to like it because I can't really find anything else that lets me work the hours I want to. The girls have been good this week so I'm enjoying that. It's only 2 1/2 months until Kyle is here, and only 3 1/2 months until I'm in Japan, married and having TONS of sex. It's going to be the best- the whole deal. I'm so excited, but at the same time I'm slowly realizing how much I'm leaving and it's a little sad. Everytime I drive down a road that I like driving down I think about the fact that it's one of the last times I'll ever drive down it and it's really bittersweet. I know that even if I weren't moving to Japan that someday I would be moving somewhere else and that I would be just as sad about that. I keep imagining saying bye to my mom and it's almost impossible, because I've never done it. I grew up so fast in so many ways that sometimes I forget that I rely so much on my mom, not even for material things or anything but just to be there. Sometimes now when she's nagging at me or asking me annoying questions when I'm tired and just want to get something done I try to remind myself that these are the last 3 months that I'll be able to hang out with her and it frustrates me that even after admiting that to myself I am still so annoyed and just don't want to be in the same room as her, we're too much alike for my liking. My brother has been nice lately, and that's been a nice change, I like getting along with him.
Okay I need to change my guitar strings and I'm tired of sitting at this desk. I'm buying pizza for the girls for supper and I don't even know what they want on it.
-amanda

by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. -JM