My mother's daughter

I was looking at my xanga today and realized I didn't post a lot of stuff just because I was nervous about what some people may think, so I've created this one and it will be my primary online journal from here on out. I figure I'm getting married, I'm starting a totally new chapter in my life with an amazing man and I just want to start something new. That and after looking around this site a little bit I REALLY like the way it's set up. It's like a combination of xanga and livejournal- both of which have features I really like. Anyway, if you're reading this then you should know I trust you. Last night Kyle and I had a really good conversation about God and His grace. We've started doing a devotional almost) every night and the question was if you were "weighed" as a Christian what would you be lacking. I know there are tons of things that could use some straightening out in my life, but the main things that stick out to me are my mouth and my pride. Does there come a point in your walk when you just have to stop and do it instead of realizing what you're doing and trying to work on it and then not getting it done and then a couple months later realizing again what you're doing, etc.? The song Sick Cycle Carousel comes to mind by Lifehouse, over and over. I just have this image of what my life with God in it should be and I'm close, it's like I can see it two feet in front of me but little things just annoy me. I'm not implying I should be perfect, because obviously in talking about God's grace, He's patient, He wants things to happen in His time but I'm tired of there being moments when I'm not even trying to keep up with God's time, when I fall short of what I think He expects of me. (side note: the new Rob Thomas video makes me ashamed of him.) So I guess maybe I should just stop complaining, stop making excuses and just do it. Do what? Well, let's see: stop cussing SO MUCH (haha, say a prayer when you feel like cussing.. for those of you who don't know what that's from, it's from some new country song that's really good.), stop talking about people behind their backs, stop thinking that I'm better than anyone.
That's a start.
So I just watched this new video by Simple Plan and I'm totally not a fan of this band, but it totally drew me in at the beginning so I watched to see what would happen. I think it's called Untitled, anyway it's about a drunk driving accident, and it started out at the end and then showed clips about how it happened and along the way it was showing clips of the girls family (some drunk guy fell asleep and hit this chick head on) and when the crash happened it showed the family members again and all of them flew across the room like they'd been in a wreck (very symbolic to the whole wrecking the whole family thing..) yeah.. so it was pretty good.
So what's been going on with me lately? Work's getting back to normal, I'm forcing myself to like it because I can't really find anything else that lets me work the hours I want to. The girls have been good this week so I'm enjoying that. It's only 2 1/2 months until Kyle is here, and only 3 1/2 months until I'm in Japan, married and having TONS of sex. It's going to be the best- the whole deal. I'm so excited, but at the same time I'm slowly realizing how much I'm leaving and it's a little sad. Everytime I drive down a road that I like driving down I think about the fact that it's one of the last times I'll ever drive down it and it's really bittersweet. I know that even if I weren't moving to Japan that someday I would be moving somewhere else and that I would be just as sad about that. I keep imagining saying bye to my mom and it's almost impossible, because I've never done it. I grew up so fast in so many ways that sometimes I forget that I rely so much on my mom, not even for material things or anything but just to be there. Sometimes now when she's nagging at me or asking me annoying questions when I'm tired and just want to get something done I try to remind myself that these are the last 3 months that I'll be able to hang out with her and it frustrates me that even after admiting that to myself I am still so annoyed and just don't want to be in the same room as her, we're too much alike for my liking. My brother has been nice lately, and that's been a nice change, I like getting along with him.
Okay I need to change my guitar strings and I'm tired of sitting at this desk. I'm buying pizza for the girls for supper and I don't even know what they want on it.
-amanda

by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. -JM