a young girl's dreams no longer hollow

I'm over at Sydney's waiting on her to get home, and I'm not sure when she'll be getting home so how long this is all depends on her punctuality. So less than a month until my love is here, and less than two months until I am there. I keep trying to imagine what it's going to be like over there, and then I try to imagine what it's going to be like leaving here. I can't imagine either.

Oh man, what a song for this entry, haha. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders... this was on one of the first episodes of Dawson's Creek, Joey is leaving Dawson's house after an emotional argument about whether or not they can continue to be best friends with the recent hormones raging, and she asks him how often he, "walks his dog, how often, to who" and he won't tell her so apparently that means that they obviously can't be friends and as she's running dramatically away from his house this song is playing and he leans out his window and says, "usually in the morning, Katie Kurrick" hahahahaha. MAN I LOVED THAT SHOW. Anyway, right when he says that this huge smile comes across her face right in the climax of the song where the music is so powerful and the singer busts out with "I'LL STAND BY YOU!" haha. So awesome. Now that I've made all of you stop reading... back to Amanda.

Last week I had a sort of a revelation about myself while I was on the phone with Kyle and it was kinda hard for me to handle at first because I'd never looked at myself from that perspective. I'll enlighten you now that I've probably confused you. We were talking about how hard it was for me to get comfortable praying with him, and being intimate in a spiritual way and so I started wondering WHY it was that I've always dated guys that don't believe in God therefore have no interest in praying with me or even to hear about how church went. The theory I came up with is that because of a lot of things I experienced in my childhood I put up walls emotionally- like most of us, haha. The thing is, there are a lot of angles to my childhood and I thought I'd covered all of them, I don't really have any other issues except that letting people get close to me scares me, especially on a level that God is on- you know, the most intimate you can get with someone without actually touching them. It's like, I shared this connection with God that was so sacred that if I were to let someone in and they messed it up in any way that it would just devastate me. The fear of this scared me into just not even trying.. which I guess really turned out for the best as far as my choices of dating partners, I'm sure at one point or another with the exception of Luis they all would've crushed me spiritually and I would've had even bigger walls built up and that would've made mine and Kyle's relationship really really hard. So anyway, I've realized that I've surrounded myself with "safe" people. People who I know won't push to go deeper in our friendships or relationships, who will settle for the surface relationship of hey how you doin? Now, there are exceptions obviously. Natalie and I are so close, and Maryn and I are closer than I have ever been with any other female in my life, and Sydney and I shared a lot spiritually that I hadn't ever shared with anyone. I think Sydney really opened me up to be more open spiritually. As hard as it is to believe now, she really taught me what it is to yearn for God, and to seek Him with more than just reading your bible or saying a prayer over some food. She showed me, not just told me, how God can affect your life in a very very good way, and how when you completely surrender to His will how amazing life can get- how reassured you feel about the decisions you make knowing that it's what God wants you to do, not just what you want for your life.

I wish I could explain how much I want to open up to Kyle and be closer to him in every way, but especially spiritually. I guess I just need to trust myself more.
Sydney just got home, I'll write a little more later.