there are times I lose my worried mind

I love my fiance so much. Lately things have been a little crazy, a little hectic, a little overwhelming and there's only one person in the entire world that I'm willing to wait for like this. Between working and babysitting and my wisdom teeth and church and trying to fit in time to play my guitar and get that piano moved so I can start playing more piano and make time to talk to Kyle I feel like there's only 1/4 of the amount of time in a day I need. I've noticed within the last week or so a separation between me and Kyle, like a block a wall a something. This distance is wearing on both of us and it's exhausting. All I want to do at the end of the day is come home and go to sleep to him, and I can't. When I experience something that makes me happy or just experience something beautiful I want him to be there with me to experience it and he can't be. It's a constant reminder that God is God and I have no control over my life, which I don't like. It's hard to admit that I don't like it because I want to be broken by God and taught new things but I want them (as a human.. I think this is normal) to be on my terms and God's like, "nope." So learning to deal with that has been my biggest struggle with being away from Kyle. I have this urge to get out of my house, to do something and so I go out and do something and come home only to find that I'm still longing to do something because everything I experienced in that day was without him and I'm not craving just to get out of the house but to get out of this house and off the phone and somewhere, anywhere, with Kyle. I know that it's only a couple more months until he's here and I'm there and everything is more like I want it to be but it's hard to tell myself that when I'm going to sleep alone and away from him.

You'll have to excuse my pity party, but I think my audience is sympathetic.

Other than that aspect of life, everything's been going good. Work's okay.. I hate Lazer Graphics at this point, but in a week or two I should be loving it again. Babysitting is going really good. I've been trying to find activities that allow the girls to do something other than sit in front of the TV because even though it makes my job easier they should be doing something else. Nearpost has kinda come to a halt just because it seems like I can't ever make time to do anything with it, but soon I will sit down and bust out some videos and get it outta the way. My passport came in and Kyle bought our tickets so a lot of the paperwork stuff is out of the way, now I just have to do the military paperwork stuff and I think we're done. I'm going to start doing pilates as soon as my DVD that I ordered gets in. I'm excited about that, it's just hard to do without an instructor and I need something to do I feel like crap all the time physically.

Now it's time to eat some cereal and listen to my tapes from work.

tears in heaven

What if I told you that you could know me inside out, every last bit of me: my memories, my every thought, my inklings of thoughts, my habits, my things I do only when I'm in a room by myself, but you wouldn't be able to pick and chose which parts you wanted to remember and you couldn't throw any of it in my face later when you're feeling vulnerable and need to get your attention on me instead of you.
This is my biggest fear in any kind of relationship which is probably why I put up such a guard to people. I've met too many people that take everything I tell them and use it against me at some point later. I know that I've done it to other people but I try my best not to do so now. I want so much to have those kind of friendships where no matter what I say I know they'll be there to support the person I am: not the person they want me to be. It seems lately that if I don't do what my "friends" expect of me that somehow makes me less of a friend to them. I'm so grateful that I can tell Kyle how I'm feeling at any given moment and know that he's not going to look at me any differently because of it. This doesn't mean that I tell him every moment how I feel because it may make him go insane but that's why I look forward to being in the same room as him because then everything doesn't have to be spoken.
Okay, I'm going to go watch a movie but this was on my mind for some reason. I sat down trying to write last night (music) and I just sat there and a few lines came out and a few emotions came out but nothing solid and this idea was the main thought that kept coming to mind. I mean, what if instead of hearing about my bad day you experience it? Would you still invest time into your friendships if you had to live through their hard times with them? If we could feel the pain and joy we cause each other would we treat each other differently? Shouldn't we always treat people like we could actually feel the effects of our behavior/decisions? Isn't this what Jesus meant when he said (paraphrased) treat others as you want to be treated?

lots to think about :)

when the stars go blue

After reading Steve's post earlier I started thinking about one particular part that turned a light bulb on for me. He said something good about himself and then said that it wasn't of him, it was of God. This got me thinking about my issue with pride, and thinking I'm "better" than other people. I shouldn't think that way, I should be grateful that God has shown things to me that other people haven't seen yet or that maybe they're not ready for. And that doesn't make me any better- I'm the exact same person as anyone else, I just am blessed enough to have God in me. If there's anything in me that I think is better than the next person, maybe it is but it's NOT me, it's God. This really helps me because when I think about growing in the Lord and that He wants us to become better people and I've always thought, "man, if God wants me to grow closer to Him, and I do it and other people don't doesn't that make me better than them?" I mean, in our human minds that's the truth, but the Truth is not the same as ours. I think the closer I grow to God and the more He reveals to me about how He wants us as humans to live with one another, the more He will humble me at the same time.

So when is it that we realize in our walk that there will always be something for us to improve on, but still want to be doing that on a consistent basis? I can't wait to get to the point where it's exciting, not frustrating, to find something about myself I can improve for God. I don't know where I'm going to be 10 years from other than married and following God and I'm slowly becoming exhilarated about the freedom I have right now in deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm only 21, I don't have to have all the answers now. I'm so happy that I'm so in love with my baby and Jesus. What more do I need, really? I sincerely pray that the Lord helps me with my bad habit of complaining when He's blessed me with so much. I want to be one of those grateful Christians that a person can look up to just so they can know God better. I want people to see God in me through my actions and through the way I react to life and what it throws me.

Okay, bedtime.

My mother's daughter

I was looking at my xanga today and realized I didn't post a lot of stuff just because I was nervous about what some people may think, so I've created this one and it will be my primary online journal from here on out. I figure I'm getting married, I'm starting a totally new chapter in my life with an amazing man and I just want to start something new. That and after looking around this site a little bit I REALLY like the way it's set up. It's like a combination of xanga and livejournal- both of which have features I really like. Anyway, if you're reading this then you should know I trust you. Last night Kyle and I had a really good conversation about God and His grace. We've started doing a devotional almost) every night and the question was if you were "weighed" as a Christian what would you be lacking. I know there are tons of things that could use some straightening out in my life, but the main things that stick out to me are my mouth and my pride. Does there come a point in your walk when you just have to stop and do it instead of realizing what you're doing and trying to work on it and then not getting it done and then a couple months later realizing again what you're doing, etc.? The song Sick Cycle Carousel comes to mind by Lifehouse, over and over. I just have this image of what my life with God in it should be and I'm close, it's like I can see it two feet in front of me but little things just annoy me. I'm not implying I should be perfect, because obviously in talking about God's grace, He's patient, He wants things to happen in His time but I'm tired of there being moments when I'm not even trying to keep up with God's time, when I fall short of what I think He expects of me. (side note: the new Rob Thomas video makes me ashamed of him.) So I guess maybe I should just stop complaining, stop making excuses and just do it. Do what? Well, let's see: stop cussing SO MUCH (haha, say a prayer when you feel like cussing.. for those of you who don't know what that's from, it's from some new country song that's really good.), stop talking about people behind their backs, stop thinking that I'm better than anyone.
That's a start.
So I just watched this new video by Simple Plan and I'm totally not a fan of this band, but it totally drew me in at the beginning so I watched to see what would happen. I think it's called Untitled, anyway it's about a drunk driving accident, and it started out at the end and then showed clips about how it happened and along the way it was showing clips of the girls family (some drunk guy fell asleep and hit this chick head on) and when the crash happened it showed the family members again and all of them flew across the room like they'd been in a wreck (very symbolic to the whole wrecking the whole family thing..) yeah.. so it was pretty good.
So what's been going on with me lately? Work's getting back to normal, I'm forcing myself to like it because I can't really find anything else that lets me work the hours I want to. The girls have been good this week so I'm enjoying that. It's only 2 1/2 months until Kyle is here, and only 3 1/2 months until I'm in Japan, married and having TONS of sex. It's going to be the best- the whole deal. I'm so excited, but at the same time I'm slowly realizing how much I'm leaving and it's a little sad. Everytime I drive down a road that I like driving down I think about the fact that it's one of the last times I'll ever drive down it and it's really bittersweet. I know that even if I weren't moving to Japan that someday I would be moving somewhere else and that I would be just as sad about that. I keep imagining saying bye to my mom and it's almost impossible, because I've never done it. I grew up so fast in so many ways that sometimes I forget that I rely so much on my mom, not even for material things or anything but just to be there. Sometimes now when she's nagging at me or asking me annoying questions when I'm tired and just want to get something done I try to remind myself that these are the last 3 months that I'll be able to hang out with her and it frustrates me that even after admiting that to myself I am still so annoyed and just don't want to be in the same room as her, we're too much alike for my liking. My brother has been nice lately, and that's been a nice change, I like getting along with him.
Okay I need to change my guitar strings and I'm tired of sitting at this desk. I'm buying pizza for the girls for supper and I don't even know what they want on it.
-amanda

by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. -JM